Now to some that doesn't seem a lot but for me, someone used to living a very fit lifestyle, someone who required control of EVERYTHING. This was huge and devastating.
I was doing life wrong...or at least that's how I felt. I would question what I deserved to get to this point, to be this low, to have my heart crushed.
No one told me that heartbreak could truly re-route your life. But it wasn't until my doctor sat down and explained the mass in my body wrecking havoc and risking my life that I just gave up and stop caring all together.
Looking back, I realize now that as women especially, we give our all to those we love. We want to nurture, we want to care, we want to be loved as much as we want to give love. As women, we also know that body image is HUGE...and sadly it's not always a positive outlook. We ridicule ourselves and others, we denounce those who are where we want to be.
I fell victim to a vicious cycle of comparison.
I fell victim to a vicious cycle of self-hate.
I fell victim to a vicious cycle of self-doubt.
I thought that I had fallen as far as one could fall. I felt like I fell down the mountain and was sitting at rock bottom. It was dark, lonely, and full of negativity. It was a place where when I looked up I saw nothing. It was me and only me stuck inside my head, filled with anxious thoughts.
But the fighter, the adventurer, the traveler, the compassionate, caring person.....she was still inside. Even though it felt like she was a million miles away....she was there. Deep inside the broken girl faking it to make it but in desperate need of saving. But I realized very quickly, the only one who could save me was ME.
So what did I do?
STEP ONE: Own the fact that my desire for perfect was bullshit.
STEP TWO: Own the fact that I needed to focus on me and my well being.
STEP THREE: Remember the person I was before the loss and illness.
STEP FOUR: Start to dig deep for that person and begin to climb.
STEP FIVE: Establish the simple fact that giving up WAS NOT AN OPTION.
It started with a simple decision to join a group. I had to establish my own, personal goals, not dictated by what others were doing. I walked away from the scale and stopped eating according to how hard I worked out. The gym was just not working...I realized that I had to have a bigger purpose then just being thin.
I started drinking this shake from a gym that my roommate was drinking. I declined the group initially, I just wasn't about this at home workout thing. I was someone who lifted. But guess what I FAILED at the gym.
So when that invitation came around again to join an online health and fitness group, something so unfamiliar...I said yes. I didn't take it seriously. I was eating gummy bears still during week one. But... people were getting results. They were smiling. They were happy. I wasn't.
Soo....I emptied my cabinets, got rid of the crap. I started pushing play, and pausing, and pushing play again. I struggled my first three weeks. I was short of breathe. I was tired. I wanted to step on the scale so badly.
I started noticing I was getting stronger, I was pausing the DVD less often. My headaches went away. And then....I started noticing my scrubs were falling off. I started to invest in personal development and realized that the fighter, the climber, the surfer, the adventurer she started to beam again.
Now two years later....here I am still sweating at home. Still getting results. Have endured so much tragedy in such a short period of time in the last year but I am still going. I committed to myself because I am worth it.
Just like you.
And my job is to help you understand that.
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