Thankful Thursday: Thankful To Be Alive

Thursday....

For me that means payday, one more day until the weekend, packing for traveling.

But it also means....

A chance to make a difference. So today I am sharing my personal struggle in hopes to make a difference in someone that is grieving, has experienced loss or needs strength in a stressful time.

Here goes....

On August 7th at 1:08 am, I sat surrounded by my family at the foot of my grandfather's hospital bed while he took his last breathe. I will never forget that night. I sat on the hospital floor, holding my cousin and just watching him, praying for his comfort, hoping he felt the amount of love, appreciation and gratitude for everything this great man did for us.

Honestly, my grandfather was my best friend. He stood at the driveway every time I would come home. He would lift my bag and always make a comment about what I had in it and we walked inside together. Every weekend I was home I went to mass with him and out to dinner. He always said, "You fly I'll buy." But secretly, I always found a way to pay before him because I was so appreciative for everything he had done for me up to that point. Then every weekend visit ended with me leaving and him standing in the driveway waving.

Then....as we went through the grieving process after his death my phone rang.....the most unexpected phone call of my life.

Monday night, September 14th, I was preparing to lay down when my phone rang. I didn't know the number but it was my hometown area code so I figured I should answer. It was the police. My father had passed away unexpectedly. No rhyme. No reason. No loving good-bye, no preparation. Left in complete awe I called my family and immediately drove home.

Here I was helping to plan another funeral just a month after losing my grandfather. My father was my only parent. He became a single parent when I was 12 when my biological mother had left us at our grandparents house and never returned. My father was not your average man. He worked, hard, all the time no matter what it took whether it be in the mill or running his tree service he was always doing whatever it took to survive. Although he was stubborn at times, I am left wondering what I could have done more to help his health so this would not be his reality. How could I have helped so that he didn't suffer...that my brother wouldn't be an independent student at 21.

But life doesn't always give you warning. It's not always fair. Or right. Or happy.

So now I am left to watch my family gather the strength to somehow return to living. I am left imaging the future and thinking of all of the important moments to come that my grandfather and father will not be present for. I am left to wonder why tragedy like this can happen? Why is it that those I consider important end up gone?

I am an over-thinker. I need a reason. I need logic. I need purpose. I need answers.

But....I won't get that. I will never understand. I can second guess my decisions all day long but it won't change the fact that it happened. So now I am here, still traveling for work, away from my family,  trying to understand what my purpose is, why do I deserve to survive?

It finally hit me. I am blessed to just be alive. I don't have to have answers. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be present in everyday. It's okay that my anxiety is off  the charts and sometimes I just need to nap. It's okay that some days I have to pause my workout because I start to break down.

The biggest lesson I can share with you that I have learned is--> It's okay to not be okay.

No that doesn't mean we should close the blinds, hide in bed and eat crap all day long. What that means is that it is okay to not want to do everything you did before. It's okay that you might sleep later, take a day off or change things up so that you feel better. AND. It's okay to rejoice in being happy when good things come your way.

Today, I learned even more how precious life is, how precious each moment we are graced with knowing one of my best friends continues to battle with cancer. So. Today, I am just thankful to be alive. To be here to share. To be here to make a difference in someone's life because I am blessed to be here and so are you.

So I am going to strive to be better for others. To share valuable content to help make a difference in the lives of those who have experienced adversity. To really take the time to learn from tragedy to grow and be a better leader for my team so I can be a better coach. I want to inspire people to not give up regardless of how painful life can be. If you are here there is a reason. Live for the moments you have and not for the what if's and regrets.

Make today count.