The Transformation I Never Knew Was Happening

When you were growing up, did you think you would turn into your parents? Did you think that you would be saying your parents were in fact right? Did you think that you look be looking in a mirror and realizing that you possess the same characteristics that your parents did too?




Honestly, no.
My childhood wasn't easy.
The first 12 years...they weren't okay.
Being abandoned was the best thing that happened to me.
Being taken to my grandparents house gave me a second chance at life.
My dad and family saved my life.
But funny thing.



When you are just like someone you tend to fight.
You tend to bicker because you're both stubborn.
You tend to ignore their advice because you "know better."

You realize too late that you're the same.


When the police called me, I was yelling.
Screaming honestly, tears streaming down my face.
There was no way in hell it was my dad.
No not my dad.
We just buried my grandpa.
My dad was resilient.
My dad had nine lives.
My dad had survived so much worse.
My family didn't need to hear from me those words.....

But. It was my dad.
Taken so fast.
I didn't get to talk to him.
Or hug him.
Or yell at him.
Or tell him he was wrong again.

There is no good-bye.
There is no closure.
There is no tomorrow.
Regret. Pain. Sadness. That's what there is.

But I've been realizing something.
That my dad is living on, through me & my family.

I am my dad.

I am hard working.
I am stubborn.
I am the middle child.
I am a person of faith.
I am a free spirit.
I am unconventional.

I strive to make everyone happy.
I try to pay it forward.
I am harder on myself than anyone will ever realize.
I struggle with feeling like I have worth.
I have a temper.
I hold back emotions.

But just like my dad

I too care a lot.
I will do anything for anyone.
I fly under the radar.
I don't need a pat on the back.

What I didn't know until it was too late, was that I am my dad, I possess all of the positive and negative qualities he had. I held back often because I didn't want to be emotional. I didn't say I love you enough. I didn't hug people enough. I was stubborn and we argued. But he was my biggest supporter. Yelled louder than anyone at my soccer games...even if I stood on the field annoyed because I emabarassed. When my heart was broken, he told me to get over it because he knew better than I did that I would in fact be okay.

Like my dad, my heart is huge. My intentions are always good even if it doesn't go as planned. I look after everyone and am overbearing at times. For a long time, I kept everyone at a distance, something I will forever regret. But each day, I can chose how to act and react to situations. I can continue on with my path and make him proud. I can continue to bring my family together, participate at family events and say I love you often.

The one thing I knew and know now even more because of his passing was just how proud he was of his children. I don't know if knows, or will ever understand the level at which his sudden passing has had an effect on me. But man.... I miss the fights, the hugs that squeezed me so tight I couldn't breathe...I miss him being loud all the time. I miss him randomly showing up in a parking lot and topping the fluids off for my engine (lord knows I never did it). I just miss him. The thought of my future brings me to tears because I don't think I'll ever feel whole again. It's different when it's just you.... you don't have anyone to answer to...it's different even though I have a wonderful support system. He just added a lot of color to life. It pains me to know you won't get to walk me down the aisle, or play with my grandkids like you talked about. You won't get to see Marky graduate. We won't get to go kayaking or take another family vacation. You won't get to physically be here to watch us finally grow up. But I can tell you one thing....

I love you dad and I am proud to be a product of you.