Life happens.
It's really really unfair sometimes.
Honestly, it is downright painful.
And we don't always get an explanation as to why things happen.
We are taught to plan.
We are taught to prepare.
We are taught to work hard.
We are taught to be genuine and caring.
We are taught to love.
We are taught to live.
But.....we aren't taught how to grieve or how to handle sudden loss....or cancer.
This isn't something you'll find in a book.
Or something you'll understand until you experience it.
Grief has a pattern but that doesn't mean our broken hearts follow it.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross had it right but death doesn't just come with old age anymore.
Someone once told me "death happens in 3s" but the number has surpassed 3 a long time ago and I am still waiting for it to end. As much as I appreciate the support, I've heard a lot of things that people generally respond with because they don't know what to say....
--> You'll get through it, be strong.
--> They're in a better place now.
--> I guess it was their time to go.
--> Everything happens for a reason.
--> It's been a while, isn't it easier for you?
Instead, as someone who has experienced a lot of loss and someone who has been a friend to others who have also experienced a lot of loss recently I know that a general statement is the last thing we want to hear. Yes, the support is appreciated and no there are never the "right words" to say when you are losing someone you love...but honestly there were no words to keep me from losing myself.
Grief and sudden loss resemble fear to me.
The churning of your stomach.
The restlessness.
The inability to eat...or over eat.
Too many sleepless nights.
The constant self-sabotaging negative thoughts.
I found myself lost more times than I cared to express...it felt like everyone else was on one planet and I was in a different galaxy. Time and time again I would try and pick myself up, support my family and friends who were also grieving but I kept falling further and further away from everyone. It started to feel like I was drowning and I wasn't grieving fast enough....like I was lost in my own sadness and I kept telling myself "that's not okay Gina" "you have to work Gina" "stop being so sad Gina."
But that wasn't right and neither was shutting the world out either. Death leaves a void that can never be filled by another, it leaves you feeling empty and angry most of the time in my case, because I felt like I should have done more. The reality I had to learn, re-learn and teach those around me is that there is no going back, no need to focus on what you should have done, the focus needs to be on what you do after loss and how you can honor those you love. I've learned that your example is what matters not your opinion but.....
I didn't do that at the first loss.
Or at the second loss.
Or even at the third loss.
I didn't do this until recently.
When I started seeing so many other people lose loved ones.
That's when I realized it was time to come back to reality.
It was time for me to support those around me.
It was time for me to share my struggles in a positive light.
Death and loss are never easy, there is no right or wrong way to handle it.
But I wasn't myself for a long time.
I was absent in conversations.
I negated to care about my health.
I missed opportunities to add value to others.
And I said things out of anger that weren't in my nature.
But honestly...that weird galaxy I felt like I was in....still looms.
It hangs over me every time I meet someone and they ask about my parents.
Or anytime I see an ad about cancer.
Or when I meet a new stroke patient.
Or when someone gets married and their dad walks them down the aisle.
That weird galaxy...it's pulling at me, trying to get me to go back.
But I REFUSE to be a victim to a difficult situation.
So instead, I made a choice 3 months ago to rally.
I started to dive into personal development.
I read a lot of blogs about unexpected death.
I started going home more because I know it's where I needed to be.I let go of people who weren't healthy to hold on to.
I started to let myself envision what I wanted for my life.
And....I started to invest in the world that's been saving my soul-my coaching community.
It's not easy to wake up every single day and realize...that wasn't a bad dream.
This is my life.
Yes...I said those things. Did those things.
Forgot soo many things.
But I also have accepted:
These are the cards I have been dealt.
I intend to win the hand.
While at the same time, being open and honest to inspire others also struggling.
So this is from me to you....I'm here and piece by piece I'll regain myself one day.
My sincerest apologies to those who watched me live out of an angry heart.
My sincerest gratitude to all of you who didn't let me float away.
Love Gina Marie
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