Mantra Monday: The Person Behind the Sweaty Selfie

Ever notice the increase in these things called "sweaty selfies?" You know the sweaty pictures after a workout, the pre-workout post with the motivational quotes or the workout stat pics with updates? It's easy to look at them, scowl, make a comment... but do you realize that you do it too?

I know right...you're thinking "no I don't." But you're on social media too, you're sharing your life, your sharing pictures of your children, your job, your trips ect. When you're on social media, there is always the possibility of what some call "over-sharing." What I started to realize when I was sharing my daily sweaty selfies, there were always two sides to the comments.

One side supporting, encouraging and being motivated but there was always the other side, the one where people felt the need to judge, ridicule and even openly post about how stupid we are for sharing.

But....honestly, there is something so much deeper than sharing my fitness results, there is something more important then just flexing muscles, there is a story behind the sweaty selfie.

Two and a half years ago, I wasn't the fit person posting the selfies. Instead, I was the person judging the fit person posting the selfies. I was the person overweight, unhappy with myself, disappointed in the journey my life was taking. But instead, I was overly judgmental.

Then life happened.
A pivotal point in my life honestly.
A choice.
To succeed and overcome or fall behind and fail.

My life now has everything to do with my life then.
I'm no longer overcome with depression and anxiety.
I no longer feel alone in this world.
But it's because of fitness that I am on this mission.

My mission to inspire hope and strength in others through a healthier lifestyle comes from a difficult past and unexpected losses. My mission to help others establish a healthy foundation to elicit strength mentally and physically.

Over the last year, there have been moments where the need to dig deeper than I thought humanly possible became necessary. I haven't always been this strong, inspiring person. I was actually quite different honestly. My entire life I have been a perfectionist, I have fought to do things according to the way they were meant to be and anything short of that was considered failure to me.

When I started to lose control of my life, I knew I had to do something about it.

For me, that was sweat, that was fitness, that was pushing myself beyond my comfort zone and doing the things I couldn't before from poor choices and lack of activity.

On the morning of my grandfather's funeral, I took to the mat.
When my father passed away unexpectedly from heart failure, I took to the weight room.
When my best friend passed away, I took to my fitness community.

Every day, I posted my sweaty selfie to my health and fitness accountability group.
Of course there are the benefits we all know, more self confidence, improved strength.
But those wonderful endorphins...those babies brought down my anxiety.

As my body grew stronger and more powerful, so did my mind. I went from being down and out depressed to motivated and inspired to help others struggling with depression and anxiety to overcome life's limiting factors.

Sweating became the reason for getting out of bed.
My fitness goals became my life goals and enabled me to push outside of my comfort zone.
It enabled me to appreciate life.
And forced me to realize, I get one shot at this, I have to take it seriously

Today, I am stronger than ever. My health is in it's prime. But the biggest transformation fitness gave me was mental. I went from questioning my worth, my actions and my abilities to owning my past and creating my own future.

I went from comparing myself and my body to others, to accepting that some days required rest and other days required a push. We can only control the controllable and for me fitness and health were in my control.

Now, I make my mind and my body one of my top priorities. It works for me. It's what's kept my sanity through this last year and gave me the platform to reach others struggling with similar issues.

You don't have to find strength through a workout.
Maybe it's faith, or baking or gardening.
But we all have to find the thing that motivates us to push past adversity.

For me that just comes in the form of sweating.

What Losing My World Taught Me About Depression and Anxiety

"Depression and anxiety are so much more than a response to life happening."

 Throughout my life, I have been trained to act a certain way, to behave according to specific religious and morale values. Throughout my life, I've overcome multiple adversities and my brain has taught me to block out a significant amount of time with horrible memories. Throughout life, I have been trained on how to handle what is physically wrong with my patients from amputees to burn victims.

Because of my training, I know how to act, I know what caliber of a person I should be and can be. Because of my adversities, I know what it's like to go without basic needs at times, to know what it's like to question where we will be staying after being evicted and I know what it's like to fear being loved because inside those awful years of abuse are still lurking.

Because of my professional training, I know what to do if a patient codes and stops breathing, I know the code of conduct if a patient completely becomes unresponsive and I know what to do if a patient is being neglected. Most of what I know has become second nature, I know how to motivate others, how to fix situations and how to block out anything I do not want to remember. Throughout my life, I've done everything I can to be a light, to be the person I want to see more of in the world and to lend as many helping hands as my world allows me to.

Thus, I've established a rapport with my patients, they know they can rely on me and trust me. Those who know me on a personal level know they can come to me with problems, they are able to trust me and know that my actions are always of a genuine, kind hearted nature.

Then, one day, I got a wake-up call. My grandfather who had a massive stroke, was not going to make that full recovery the doctors thought he would. Instead of having the three months together for him to recover, I made the most unexpected drive of my life rushing home to be by my family's side as he passed away. Looking back, I don't think I handled his loss in the best manner. I focused a lot on my personal pain... shut the world out from anger. Slowly started to change without even realizing that it was happening.

Then, a few weeks later, I got a second wake-up call. This time the police. I had been sick all day. Awful sick. It got worse as the day went on. As soon as I laid down to nap, the phone rang. The officer explained to me my father was dead, someone needed to come over and identify him because he was gone. I screamed. I swore. I denied his words. But he knew me. He knew my family. He was just trying to do the right thing because my father deserved peace. It was in that moment that I realized I had a connection with my father far greater than I ever understood. So I made another hurried drive home, calling my family along the way explaining the awful news to them...I made it home that night and  realized this wasn't a nightmare. This was life.

It wasn't long before my third and final wake-up call, the passing of a person who turned from being a friend to my rock. As I watched her battle cancer over the years, I never in a million years thought this would be the outcome. Throughout our friendship, she taught me more life lessons than anyone I know. It wasn't until I met her, watched her battle while still giving her all to her family and friends, that I realized what a blessing each moment of life is.

There is no sugar coating necessary. My anxiety, my depression, it was raging fiercer than ever and that fake smile I put on daily was eating me alive. I was completely lost for several months. I did things. Said things. Yelled...a lot at God and honestly stopped going to church because it was too painful to go alone. I never thought this was possible. I had done everything right I thought up until that point. I lived my life by the book. I attended church every week. I made trips home as often as I thought possible. I give 110% to every single job I had ever taken.

All of my training both professional and personal did nothing for me to minimize the problems and reactions I was having. Anytime someone came to me with a problem, I could give them the best advice and help them find the right solution. I'm an expert at working hard at life, but I was only ever focusing on what was expected. After enduring these few months with my family, I began to realize how important mindset and mental health truly are to successfully holding it together in the darkest of times. It became increasingly obvious that this mental health battle was underway and I hadn't even suited up. Portraying strength for others when you are broken is not an easy task. My experiences lead me to learning the importance of establishing a positive mindset to cultivate true happiness and safely handle my issues.

Of course I was skeptical about reading personal development, sharing openly on social media about my family life and importantly respecting those who are no longer with us. I had been taught that praying and trusting in God made all things possible. That living by the book enables success. That being a good person is the foundation to happiness. But my approach to life wasn't enough. You cannot quickly problem solve death, especially when it is unexpected or tragic.

By exclusively focusing on my anger and everything I no longer had, I missed opportunities of growth, development and relationship building with those who still surrounded and supported me. I had failed as a friend, daughter and person. Depression and anxiety are so much more than a response to life happening. It's the reality that you are human, that you bleed just like everyone else but also that you care whole heartedly about everything and everyone around you.

Learning how to recover from tragedy is essential to successfully handling mental illness because there is no quick fix. It's easy to get upset when we spill our coffee, it's easy to shout at the person who cuts us off and it's easy to blame God for our pain when "he took them away." I've learned that when you possess more negative thoughts and emotions than positive ones, you are more likely to respond to life in a negative manner. Too many of us underestimate mental illness, we feel like talking about our struggles is taboo, not justified. We think we should "just get over it." "Get it together." We underestimate the importance of mental health. We focus on the physical but forget our mind and our hearts need strength too. There is no absolute in this.

Mental health is not an all or nothing, one word summed up phrase. It's something we have to tend on a daily basis. Establish positive affirmations and visualize our dream lives in order to properly focus our attention. This can be established by focusing our attentions on the areas of our life that bring light. The areas that brought happiness before the loss and realize that it's going to take time, trial and error to overcome the times in our lives that break us to the core. These moments are true opportunities for us to establish ourselves in this world.

Understand that we are not in control at all times like we would like. However, we are in control of our mindset and the way we react to situations. At first are hearts are broken, we say and do things out of character because we are lost and just need guidance. That's okay. But denying we need help, pretending we don't hurt just like everyone else only hinders are ability to heal in a healthy manner. Realize you matter. Your anxiety and depression do not make you any less of a person. Mental health is not a destination, it's a process. Focus on how you drive, not where you are going and you will enjoy the journey.

Transformation Tuesday: I'm Sorry For What I Said While I Was Grieving

Before I write this....yes I know I don't need to apologize, or explain or even rationalize the person I became after my world was taken from me but I hope that openly writing this will not only leave behind some of the worst moments of my life (my reactions to loss not those I grieve for) but also to help others who are struggling with grief as well.

Life happens.
It's really really unfair sometimes.
Honestly, it is downright painful.
And we don't always get an explanation as to why things happen.

We are taught to plan.
We are taught to prepare.
We are taught to work hard.
We are taught to be genuine and caring.
We are taught to love.
We are taught to live.

But.....we aren't taught how to grieve or how to handle sudden loss....or cancer.

This isn't something you'll find in a book.
Or something you'll understand until you experience it.
Grief has a pattern but that doesn't mean our broken hearts follow it.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross had it right but death doesn't just come with old age anymore.

Someone once told me "death happens in 3s" but the number has surpassed 3 a long time ago and I am still waiting for it to end. As much as I appreciate the support,  I've heard a lot of things that people generally respond with because they don't know what to say....

--> You'll get through it, be strong.
--> They're in a better place now.
--> I guess it was their time to go.
--> Everything happens for a reason.
--> It's been a while, isn't it easier for you?

Instead, as someone who has experienced a lot of loss and someone who has been a friend to others who have also experienced a lot of loss recently I know that a general statement is the last thing we want to hear. Yes, the support is appreciated and no there are never the "right words" to say when you are losing someone you love...but honestly there were no words to keep me from losing myself.

Grief and sudden loss resemble fear to me.
The churning of your stomach.
The restlessness.
The inability to eat...or over eat.
Too many sleepless nights.
The constant self-sabotaging negative thoughts.

I found myself lost more times than I cared to express...it felt like everyone else was on one planet and I was in a different galaxy. Time and time again I would try and pick myself up, support my family and friends who were also grieving but I kept falling further and further away from everyone. It started to feel like I was drowning and I wasn't grieving fast enough....like I was lost in my own sadness and I kept telling myself "that's not okay Gina" "you have to work Gina" "stop being so sad Gina."

But that wasn't right and neither was shutting the world out either. Death leaves a void that can never be filled by another, it leaves you feeling empty and angry most of the time in my case, because I felt like I should have done more. The reality I had to learn, re-learn and teach those around me is that there is no going back, no need to focus on what you should have done, the focus needs to be on what you do after loss and how you can honor those you love. I've learned that your example is what matters not your opinion but.....

I didn't do that at the first loss.
Or at the second loss.
Or even at the third loss.

I didn't do this until recently.
When I started seeing so many other people lose loved ones.
That's when I realized it was time to come back to reality.
It was time for me to support those around me.
It was time for me to share my struggles in a positive light.

Death and loss are never easy, there is no right or wrong way to handle it.
But I wasn't myself for a long time.
I was absent in conversations.
I negated to care about my health.
I missed opportunities to add value to others.
And I said things out of anger that weren't in my nature.

But honestly...that weird galaxy I felt like I was in....still looms.
It hangs over me every time I meet someone and they ask about my parents.
Or anytime I see an ad about cancer.
Or when I meet a new stroke patient.
Or when someone gets married and their dad walks them down the aisle.
That weird galaxy...it's pulling at me, trying to get me to go back.
But I REFUSE to be a victim to a difficult situation.

So instead, I made a choice 3 months ago to rally.
I started to dive into personal development.
I read a lot of blogs about unexpected death.
I started going home more because I know it's where I needed to be.
I let go of people who weren't healthy to hold on to.
I started to let myself envision what I wanted for my life.
And....I started to invest in the world that's been saving my soul-my coaching community.

It's not easy to wake up every single day and realize...that wasn't a bad dream.
This is my life.
Yes...I said those things. Did those things.
Forgot soo many things.

But I also have accepted:
These are the cards I have been dealt.
I intend to win the hand.
While at the same time, being open and honest to inspire others also struggling.


So this is from me to you....I'm here and piece by piece I'll regain myself one day.
My sincerest apologies to those who watched me live out of an angry heart.
My sincerest gratitude to all of you who didn't let me float away.

Love Gina Marie