Mantra Monday: The Person Behind the Sweaty Selfie

Ever notice the increase in these things called "sweaty selfies?" You know the sweaty pictures after a workout, the pre-workout post with the motivational quotes or the workout stat pics with updates? It's easy to look at them, scowl, make a comment... but do you realize that you do it too?

I know right...you're thinking "no I don't." But you're on social media too, you're sharing your life, your sharing pictures of your children, your job, your trips ect. When you're on social media, there is always the possibility of what some call "over-sharing." What I started to realize when I was sharing my daily sweaty selfies, there were always two sides to the comments.

One side supporting, encouraging and being motivated but there was always the other side, the one where people felt the need to judge, ridicule and even openly post about how stupid we are for sharing.

But....honestly, there is something so much deeper than sharing my fitness results, there is something more important then just flexing muscles, there is a story behind the sweaty selfie.

Two and a half years ago, I wasn't the fit person posting the selfies. Instead, I was the person judging the fit person posting the selfies. I was the person overweight, unhappy with myself, disappointed in the journey my life was taking. But instead, I was overly judgmental.

Then life happened.
A pivotal point in my life honestly.
A choice.
To succeed and overcome or fall behind and fail.

My life now has everything to do with my life then.
I'm no longer overcome with depression and anxiety.
I no longer feel alone in this world.
But it's because of fitness that I am on this mission.

My mission to inspire hope and strength in others through a healthier lifestyle comes from a difficult past and unexpected losses. My mission to help others establish a healthy foundation to elicit strength mentally and physically.

Over the last year, there have been moments where the need to dig deeper than I thought humanly possible became necessary. I haven't always been this strong, inspiring person. I was actually quite different honestly. My entire life I have been a perfectionist, I have fought to do things according to the way they were meant to be and anything short of that was considered failure to me.

When I started to lose control of my life, I knew I had to do something about it.

For me, that was sweat, that was fitness, that was pushing myself beyond my comfort zone and doing the things I couldn't before from poor choices and lack of activity.

On the morning of my grandfather's funeral, I took to the mat.
When my father passed away unexpectedly from heart failure, I took to the weight room.
When my best friend passed away, I took to my fitness community.

Every day, I posted my sweaty selfie to my health and fitness accountability group.
Of course there are the benefits we all know, more self confidence, improved strength.
But those wonderful endorphins...those babies brought down my anxiety.

As my body grew stronger and more powerful, so did my mind. I went from being down and out depressed to motivated and inspired to help others struggling with depression and anxiety to overcome life's limiting factors.

Sweating became the reason for getting out of bed.
My fitness goals became my life goals and enabled me to push outside of my comfort zone.
It enabled me to appreciate life.
And forced me to realize, I get one shot at this, I have to take it seriously

Today, I am stronger than ever. My health is in it's prime. But the biggest transformation fitness gave me was mental. I went from questioning my worth, my actions and my abilities to owning my past and creating my own future.

I went from comparing myself and my body to others, to accepting that some days required rest and other days required a push. We can only control the controllable and for me fitness and health were in my control.

Now, I make my mind and my body one of my top priorities. It works for me. It's what's kept my sanity through this last year and gave me the platform to reach others struggling with similar issues.

You don't have to find strength through a workout.
Maybe it's faith, or baking or gardening.
But we all have to find the thing that motivates us to push past adversity.

For me that just comes in the form of sweating.

Mantra Monday: The Reality of Losing A Parent In Your 20s

It was just another day. But I had been really sick all day. The kind of sick that tells you something is wrong but you cannot fathom what's truly happening. I spent all day at work getting worse by the hour. I had no idea what was happening to my body. When I got home from work, I sat on my futon, trying to gather myself and finally accepted I had to lay down. The moment my head hit the pillow the phone rang. It was a local number from back home, I almost didn't answer but something told me to pick it up.

I did. It was the police. My dad was found dead in his home. Our neighbor went to check on him after he wasn't answering his phone and no one saw his car move for the day. The officer was explaining that he had passed away and someone needed to come to the house. I screamed. I swore. There was no way it was my dad, we had just buried my grandpa, this wasn't happening. The officer calmly explained that it was him, he had called a friend to get my number as he was standing next to my dad and my picture hung on the wall. It was in that moment that everything I had ever known was about to change.

I called my aunt. I had no idea what else to do. I could barely breathe, she went to his house, and confirmed what I already knew. I laid on my living floor unable to move, unable to fathom what to do next. I was five hours away. Then the thoughts quickly started flooding my head, my brother, my little brother, he was at school, my sister, my family, his friends. I realized very fast I had to get my shit together and be strong for my family as I had to then call my sister and soon my family would know. As my family rallied to get everyone together and make sure everyone knew, I packed a mediocre  bag of stuff and got on the road.

It was the same trip I had just made a couple weeks ago, but that time my dad was calling me every 30 minutes updating me on my grandfather's condition. I continued to drive as my phone never stopped ringing, from my friend's parents to my best friend panic stricken as to why I didn't call anyone before getting on the road. Secretly, I didn't want to tell anyone, I didn't want to utter those words, I didn't want my dad to be dead. But he was. No rhyme. No reason. He was gone.

Throughout most of my 20s, I spent my time going to college and working, a lot. I had experienced a lot already in my young life and finally had overcome it all to be a successful young adult. I had graduated from college, moved and began traveling as a therapist. I went from assignment to assignment. My dad and grandpa packing my car each move. I rarely came home as I was obsessed with my student loan debt and felt it was best to work as many shifts as I could. I was naive. I never thought about how short life could be. But I always made sure to remember every birthday and anniversary and came home for those moments I felt were non-negotiable.

As time went on, I experienced the loss of some friends and the unexpected heart break that eventually lead me on my health and fitness journey. I was on a mission, I had a financial plan and I thought I was in control. Little did I know that I was about to watch my entire world be eradicated and truly face the most difficult challenges of my life.

I never thought my dad would die. Honestly, the man had suffered more injuries and had more health problems than I can count. I sat by his bedside more times at the hospital than I can count at this point. He worked hard and he pushed his body to the limits. But, he was focused on his family and his children. He helped take care of my grandpa, took charge when he became the only parent and he dreamt of walking me down the aisle and becoming a grandparent. I never pictured those things like he did but he was sure he would be there. I knew my father wouldn't live to be a hundred but I never thought he would be taken so suddenly. I expected to have his honest, sometimes harsh opinionated self well into my true adulthood. I expected him to be there when my brother graduated college and went onto graduate school. I expected him to be there when he was in fact right and I did settle down.

If only real life was like a movie and we got everything we thought we deserved.

There's no guide to how to deal with the death of a parent- especially not when you bury your parent unexpectedly in your 20's. There's no book that can tell you about the lowest of low moments when you are walking through your kitchen and you go to call your dad to ask him something about your car...but there's no person on the end of that phone call. As a millennial, I've spent most of time surrounded by college, work and technology. I would text my dad, but rarely called. He left voicemails and I would be annoyed because I would have to listen to them for him just to text me the same information (stupid now I realize as those voicemails I clung to this last year until they were accidentally deleted when my phone was transferred).

Many people think of their parents as the pillars of their family unit, they expect that one day, when they are old, that they will pass away peacefully in their sleep. Honestly, I never expected my dad to go in such a fashion that he did. Since our abandonment at such a young age, I just expected my dad to always be there. After my grandfather's sudden passing, I was overwhelmed with grief. Focused on my own heartache, not focusing enough on his. Looking back on every family event, birthday, holiday, argument and lesson learned, I choose to only remember the good times, his huge smile and overbearing hug.

When my father died, all of those memories faded for a long time. That entire week of his death, the funeral planning, the angry outbursts I had, I barely remember anything. I only remember standing with my brother next to his coffin shaking and almost passing out. I was overwhelmed in the best way at the amount of people that came to pay their respects. My dad was an honest man, he never apologized, he lived unapologetically, and sometimes that rubbed people the wrong way. But, at those calling hours, the people standing in line out the door and down the street, all of that didn't matter. Every single person told a story about how my dad helped them, how he stood up for them, or how he assisted them in ways I had no idea about.

In the year since his death, I've learned a great deal about grief and myself. I've learned that grief is far more complex than I could have fathomed and there is no right way to go about it. Grief is not linear, it's more like a terrifying roller-coaster that takes your breathe away standing in the produce section of the grocery store when cherries are being distributed for the first time. Some days I feel happy and content, and other days I cry, I feel anger exuding from my pores at watching my family suffer. The depression sets in and I try to bargain with myself on how I could have been better, done more, just been able to tell him no matter what we went through I really did love him and all of his quirks good and bad.

There have been many lessons I have learned and honestly I've learned my friends don't understand unless it's happened to them. That they were a great support in the beginning, but I know it's hard to be supportive when you don't really understand what I am going through. They have lent me a hug, advice, an ear, but honestly they get to continue living their life where I felt stuck in a dark hole. Some have grown distant, I won't lie. They either don't return phone calls, text messages, or haven't reached out at all. Initially it was upsetting, I couldn't understand anymore loss. I've learned everyone deals with death in their own way. Some are comfortable facing it head own and others mask it. I've experienced both and choose not to judge.

One of the greatest lessons I have learned is that those memories, good and bad, are sacred to my family and I. I choose to only remember things that bring me joy, the times when my father loudly cheered from me from the stands, the times when my father so bluntly told me to get over heart break and failure. I recall the many soccer games we sat on the sidelines watching my brother. If anything, our dad told the world about how proud he was of us. We may have had a roller-coaster of a relationship at times but how could you not. He was faced with being a single parent in an incredibly difficult situation trying to explain to his daughter how she was abused by her biological mother and then abandoned. I'm sure I didn't make it that easy either as we have the same addictive and  head strong personality.

All of the memories, the pictures, the thoughts written on his funeral page, they keep him alive in our hearts and in our minds. He's gone. There's is no changing that. But it will forever be a life lesson on how to conduct myself on a daily basis and the importance of remaining appreciative of those who remain in my life. As I approach the anniversary of his sudden passing, there is no doubt that he is sitting up there with my grandfather and best friend watching me strive to be a better more inspired person. I feel his spirit, it's not the same, but it's there. I strive to not focus on everything that is missing, I try to not picture who will walk me down that aisle, or if I am blessed to have a family, who my kids will be taught the foundations of life that  my father and grandfather shared with me.

It doesn't get easier. No matter what people tell you. That's bullshit  and I will tell you that everything does not happen for just "a reason." Because honestly, if you live your life and suddenly die, I hope to God that it wasn't just for one reason. Instead, I know that eventually over time, we will get used to living our unexpected reality. I know my father would tell me to plainly stop crying. To buck up and get the f**k over whatever is bringing me down. I got my harsh sense of verbiage from him lol. I'll cherish the good memories, the difficult times that we eventually got through and forever will remember how he affected all of our lives. But life does not stop my friends. No matter how painful the day you are enduring, life keeps going. It took me months to adjust to my new normal and understand that life is never going to be the same.

Take it from someone who placed their life on hold, held back and refused to be open with others about their true feelings. No one can say anything to you to make you feel better. Everyone will tell you how sorry they are and people will genuinely mean it. It will get hard to come up with responses knowing that it's going to make that person uncomfortable, so instead say "thank you." Understand, mourning will hang on you like a shadow during your day to day activities. Death is a very messy business. I've gone through his possessions, complied his things, emptied his house with my family and tried to preserve his presence as our lives have continued visiting him at the mausoleum telling him about what's new in my life.

But you cannot stop functioning, you cannot put off life, your bills, you must keep moving even if it is at a slower pace because your loved one would want you to. And even on your most difficult days that you find yourself angry at God because you feel like an orphan, know that their love hasn't changed and their memories forever remain.

Mantra Monday: What To Do When You Realize You Didn't Believe In Yourself

Are you someone with that voice in your head...


You know the one that tells you can't do something... The one that says you're not good enough... The one that continually tells you that you're going to fail.

This voice never leaves you, it taunts you and makes you question your actions and worth on a daily basis.  It criticizes your judgment, it makes simple decision making difficult. It breaks you down when you think you can't break any more. It's full of endless negative commentary.

Self-doubt can be your biggest set back when you strive to achieve the greater desires in life. There are times when you can block it out but more often than not if you are like me there are more times that it consumes your being and establishes a barrier to your goals.

Self-doubt isn't kind and it steals your joy. It can devour your happiness and strip you of every ounce of confidence you once built. It can take your logical reasoning skills and establish craziness. Yet, instead of building you up, it leaves you empty full of fear and insecurity.

You try to do the right thing. You read the right books. You go to church. You pray. You celebrate other's success. You set out every day to be a good person. You force yourself into thinking positively when underneath the surface you hate yourself.

This voice is strong, it's resilient and it will fight back. It has the deepest knowledge of your true desires and it's fueled by your fear.

For years, I spent my life giving my all but falling short, or so I thought. I have never been the overly popular one, the pretty one, or the smartest one. I came from a world that until I openly shared about it, made me feel like I was an outcast and alone. For the majority of my life, I compared myself to others, wanted what others had and tried to be something I am not. For years, I stopped myself before I even got started because I never thought I was good enough.

I am the product of a world full of negativity, I grew up in a different world and I have the long term memory loss that forever leaves me feeling afraid to share the truth. I have been afraid all of my life about what other's think, when people whisper by me I wonder if they are judging me. I was afraid to share my artwork, my love of fitness, my desire to do more with my life through charity work and honestly my desire to not be alone.

Fear is like self-doubt, it grabs you, it's cold hand wraps around your throat and makes it impossible for you to speak the truth you want to express. It takes the things you love and diminishes them to the lowest levels making you feel unworthy. This infectious hold can consume you to the point you unconsciously question your daily actions, intelligence and abilities. If you're like me, you strive for the strength to release the grasp to breathe again.

One day, life took everything that brought me stability and forced me to establish a footing to stand on that only I could define. This road was broken, it had many dead ends and was dark but there was a small light...it was dim but it was there.

If I wanted to reach it, I had to believe in myself. I needed to crush my self-doubt, build my strength to not only speak from the heart but speak with the passion that I so desperately knew I had in me. It was time that I pushed past all of my fears, all of the ridicule to thrive in my own light.

Fast forward to now. Gina post Summit. What's different?

I now understand that it was my lack of belief in myself that's prevented me from truly succeeding in the world I desire to thrive in. I now realize that being critical is a beautiful thing because it makes me strive to present to the best of my abilities. Most importantly I realize that my self-doubt is my soul crying out for help.

I've accepted doubt as part of the human system. It's a regular emotion just like happiness, love and anger. Instead of trying to define it and then defy it, I have accepted it so that I can understand it. Thus enabling me to improve myself and realize you cannot fight with fear instead you must establish a strength that in times of criticism can openly view all sides without bias.

No longer will I allow myself to be limited by the fear of others thoughts, no longer will I allow myself to be limited by my own self-doubt. Now I will pay attention to the voice that initially starts with a whisper before it eventually begins to yell. Each day I choose to set out to be my best, with my blinders on, not comparing myself to those around me.

Perfection is not my sole goal anymore. Instead I strive to achieve my personal goals in life, love and business to live a more fulfilled life. I will do this by checking off my boxes daily on what's important to me, I will trust and love myself, I will stop listening to those who are toxic and tell me I cannot do something I love and I will identify self doubt in a way to establish success.

If you're like me, give yourself permission to fail. But fail forward.
If you're like me, give yourself permission to share your passion daily.
If you're like me, give yourself permission to rest when you are weary.
If you're like me, give yourself permission to go after your dreams.
If you're like me, give yourself permission to breathe.
If you're like me, give yourself permission to try...and try again.

What Losing My World Taught Me About Depression and Anxiety

"Depression and anxiety are so much more than a response to life happening."

 Throughout my life, I have been trained to act a certain way, to behave according to specific religious and morale values. Throughout my life, I've overcome multiple adversities and my brain has taught me to block out a significant amount of time with horrible memories. Throughout life, I have been trained on how to handle what is physically wrong with my patients from amputees to burn victims.

Because of my training, I know how to act, I know what caliber of a person I should be and can be. Because of my adversities, I know what it's like to go without basic needs at times, to know what it's like to question where we will be staying after being evicted and I know what it's like to fear being loved because inside those awful years of abuse are still lurking.

Because of my professional training, I know what to do if a patient codes and stops breathing, I know the code of conduct if a patient completely becomes unresponsive and I know what to do if a patient is being neglected. Most of what I know has become second nature, I know how to motivate others, how to fix situations and how to block out anything I do not want to remember. Throughout my life, I've done everything I can to be a light, to be the person I want to see more of in the world and to lend as many helping hands as my world allows me to.

Thus, I've established a rapport with my patients, they know they can rely on me and trust me. Those who know me on a personal level know they can come to me with problems, they are able to trust me and know that my actions are always of a genuine, kind hearted nature.

Then, one day, I got a wake-up call. My grandfather who had a massive stroke, was not going to make that full recovery the doctors thought he would. Instead of having the three months together for him to recover, I made the most unexpected drive of my life rushing home to be by my family's side as he passed away. Looking back, I don't think I handled his loss in the best manner. I focused a lot on my personal pain... shut the world out from anger. Slowly started to change without even realizing that it was happening.

Then, a few weeks later, I got a second wake-up call. This time the police. I had been sick all day. Awful sick. It got worse as the day went on. As soon as I laid down to nap, the phone rang. The officer explained to me my father was dead, someone needed to come over and identify him because he was gone. I screamed. I swore. I denied his words. But he knew me. He knew my family. He was just trying to do the right thing because my father deserved peace. It was in that moment that I realized I had a connection with my father far greater than I ever understood. So I made another hurried drive home, calling my family along the way explaining the awful news to them...I made it home that night and  realized this wasn't a nightmare. This was life.

It wasn't long before my third and final wake-up call, the passing of a person who turned from being a friend to my rock. As I watched her battle cancer over the years, I never in a million years thought this would be the outcome. Throughout our friendship, she taught me more life lessons than anyone I know. It wasn't until I met her, watched her battle while still giving her all to her family and friends, that I realized what a blessing each moment of life is.

There is no sugar coating necessary. My anxiety, my depression, it was raging fiercer than ever and that fake smile I put on daily was eating me alive. I was completely lost for several months. I did things. Said things. Yelled...a lot at God and honestly stopped going to church because it was too painful to go alone. I never thought this was possible. I had done everything right I thought up until that point. I lived my life by the book. I attended church every week. I made trips home as often as I thought possible. I give 110% to every single job I had ever taken.

All of my training both professional and personal did nothing for me to minimize the problems and reactions I was having. Anytime someone came to me with a problem, I could give them the best advice and help them find the right solution. I'm an expert at working hard at life, but I was only ever focusing on what was expected. After enduring these few months with my family, I began to realize how important mindset and mental health truly are to successfully holding it together in the darkest of times. It became increasingly obvious that this mental health battle was underway and I hadn't even suited up. Portraying strength for others when you are broken is not an easy task. My experiences lead me to learning the importance of establishing a positive mindset to cultivate true happiness and safely handle my issues.

Of course I was skeptical about reading personal development, sharing openly on social media about my family life and importantly respecting those who are no longer with us. I had been taught that praying and trusting in God made all things possible. That living by the book enables success. That being a good person is the foundation to happiness. But my approach to life wasn't enough. You cannot quickly problem solve death, especially when it is unexpected or tragic.

By exclusively focusing on my anger and everything I no longer had, I missed opportunities of growth, development and relationship building with those who still surrounded and supported me. I had failed as a friend, daughter and person. Depression and anxiety are so much more than a response to life happening. It's the reality that you are human, that you bleed just like everyone else but also that you care whole heartedly about everything and everyone around you.

Learning how to recover from tragedy is essential to successfully handling mental illness because there is no quick fix. It's easy to get upset when we spill our coffee, it's easy to shout at the person who cuts us off and it's easy to blame God for our pain when "he took them away." I've learned that when you possess more negative thoughts and emotions than positive ones, you are more likely to respond to life in a negative manner. Too many of us underestimate mental illness, we feel like talking about our struggles is taboo, not justified. We think we should "just get over it." "Get it together." We underestimate the importance of mental health. We focus on the physical but forget our mind and our hearts need strength too. There is no absolute in this.

Mental health is not an all or nothing, one word summed up phrase. It's something we have to tend on a daily basis. Establish positive affirmations and visualize our dream lives in order to properly focus our attention. This can be established by focusing our attentions on the areas of our life that bring light. The areas that brought happiness before the loss and realize that it's going to take time, trial and error to overcome the times in our lives that break us to the core. These moments are true opportunities for us to establish ourselves in this world.

Understand that we are not in control at all times like we would like. However, we are in control of our mindset and the way we react to situations. At first are hearts are broken, we say and do things out of character because we are lost and just need guidance. That's okay. But denying we need help, pretending we don't hurt just like everyone else only hinders are ability to heal in a healthy manner. Realize you matter. Your anxiety and depression do not make you any less of a person. Mental health is not a destination, it's a process. Focus on how you drive, not where you are going and you will enjoy the journey.

Country Heat: What You Need to Know

Hey ya'll!!!!

So you've heard the hype IT'S COMING!!!!!

COUNTRY HEAT IS LAUNCHING ON

So I wanted to answer ALL of your questions and make an easy place for you to fill out a quick application if you want more information on my exclusive test group launch!

Question: What is Country Heat? What kind of workout is it?
Country Heat is a low impact, high-energy dance workout that is simple but fun and easy to follow. Each 30 minute workout is jam packed with easy to follow dance moves that are set to the latest country music. It's a fun way to burn calories and shape your body while achieving improved health! BONUS you get a really easy to follow meal plan that works with the container system.

Question: Who is Country Heat for?
ANYONE...literally ANYONE who is: looking to lose weight, get fit, and follow a simple but fun workout routine. Country Heat works well for beginners who are looking to get started and for anyone looking for a great cardio based workout. It's also great for anyone who likes to dance but feels challenged by complex choreography. There are no complex moves or equipment required.

Question: What is the program like?
Country Heat is a 30 day program following 20-30 minute long routines. One workout a day for 6 days a week. You need approximately 6 square feet of space.

Question: What is needed to successfully complete the program?
No equipment is required. But you should utilize cross trainer or tennis shoes.

Question: What is included in the program? 

3 DVDs with the 6 workouts. Network exclusive workout. Can opt for the deluxe edition with 2 additional workouts. Also, you will receive a quick start guide, Country Heat eating plan, 30 day calendar, 7 portion control containers, Shakeology shaker cup and a bonus free gift by signing up with me!

Question: What is the portion fix container system?
It is a system based off of calculating a calorie level based off of your starting weight. Then you take that number along with the corresponding chart that goes with your calorie level. This expresses the daily allotment of calorie intake and containers for daily consumption. The system has color coated containers that correspond to the food lists to determine what goes into each container. From there just fill, eat and count your containers!

Question: Will I get real results? 
YES---> IF you follow the program, follow your nutritional guide and give it your best effort. Results are contingent based off of effort and the level at which you follow the program.

Question: What are the workouts like? (This is direct from Team Beachbody) COUNTRY SWING               Go a little wild with songs like "Young & Crazy" while you crank up the calorie burn with moves like the Grease Step and 2-Timing Hop. GIDDY UP Stomp your feet as you speed up your heart rate. Moves like Scuff Squats and Saddle Jumps work your legs and glutes, but songs like "Fake ID" help you forget you're burning major calories! DOWN AND DIRTY Get down to the songs "Sideways" and "Footloose" and feel the fire in every muscle, while steps like Rocking Horse and Mule Kicks send your metabolism soaring. BRING THE HEAT Autumn mixes up the tempo to blast your entire body with high-energy moves set to "I Like It, I Love It" and other hot songs that get your heart pumping, so you get fit fast. TRAIL RIDE  Blitz the fat in no time flat! There's no cooling your heels when you're doing the Summertime Stomp to tunes like "Bar Hoppin" and "Be My Baby Tonight." DANCE CONDITIONING Follow Autumn's most effective toning and conditioning moves that use your own body weight to build muscle and sculpt your sexiest body yet. DANCE MASH-UP You'll want to be front and center, because Autumn is cranking up her favorite songs and top fat-blasting moves from Country Heat for the ultimate "best of" workout. WILD GOOSE CHASE Kick your metabolism into overdrive with this pulse-pounding dance routine set to songs like "Save a Horse (Ride A Cowboy)" and step up the fat burn. CARDIO ROUND UP You'll have to dig a little deeper into moves like Body Roll and Savannah Stomp as Autumn works every muscle to tighten and tone your entire body. SADDLE UP LINE DANCE "Cowboy Up!" Autumn's going to teach you her original choreography in this line dance that you can take straight to the dance floor. If you are ready to get your COUNTRY HEAT on and score some AWESOME RESULTS then fill out the app below for a chance to earn a spot in my exclusive test group AND win a free cookbook to go along with your nutritional guide!

Fill out my online form.

Online contact and registration forms from Wufoo.

Transformation Tuesday: I'm Sorry For What I Said While I Was Grieving

Before I write this....yes I know I don't need to apologize, or explain or even rationalize the person I became after my world was taken from me but I hope that openly writing this will not only leave behind some of the worst moments of my life (my reactions to loss not those I grieve for) but also to help others who are struggling with grief as well.

Life happens.
It's really really unfair sometimes.
Honestly, it is downright painful.
And we don't always get an explanation as to why things happen.

We are taught to plan.
We are taught to prepare.
We are taught to work hard.
We are taught to be genuine and caring.
We are taught to love.
We are taught to live.

But.....we aren't taught how to grieve or how to handle sudden loss....or cancer.

This isn't something you'll find in a book.
Or something you'll understand until you experience it.
Grief has a pattern but that doesn't mean our broken hearts follow it.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross had it right but death doesn't just come with old age anymore.

Someone once told me "death happens in 3s" but the number has surpassed 3 a long time ago and I am still waiting for it to end. As much as I appreciate the support,  I've heard a lot of things that people generally respond with because they don't know what to say....

--> You'll get through it, be strong.
--> They're in a better place now.
--> I guess it was their time to go.
--> Everything happens for a reason.
--> It's been a while, isn't it easier for you?

Instead, as someone who has experienced a lot of loss and someone who has been a friend to others who have also experienced a lot of loss recently I know that a general statement is the last thing we want to hear. Yes, the support is appreciated and no there are never the "right words" to say when you are losing someone you love...but honestly there were no words to keep me from losing myself.

Grief and sudden loss resemble fear to me.
The churning of your stomach.
The restlessness.
The inability to eat...or over eat.
Too many sleepless nights.
The constant self-sabotaging negative thoughts.

I found myself lost more times than I cared to express...it felt like everyone else was on one planet and I was in a different galaxy. Time and time again I would try and pick myself up, support my family and friends who were also grieving but I kept falling further and further away from everyone. It started to feel like I was drowning and I wasn't grieving fast enough....like I was lost in my own sadness and I kept telling myself "that's not okay Gina" "you have to work Gina" "stop being so sad Gina."

But that wasn't right and neither was shutting the world out either. Death leaves a void that can never be filled by another, it leaves you feeling empty and angry most of the time in my case, because I felt like I should have done more. The reality I had to learn, re-learn and teach those around me is that there is no going back, no need to focus on what you should have done, the focus needs to be on what you do after loss and how you can honor those you love. I've learned that your example is what matters not your opinion but.....

I didn't do that at the first loss.
Or at the second loss.
Or even at the third loss.

I didn't do this until recently.
When I started seeing so many other people lose loved ones.
That's when I realized it was time to come back to reality.
It was time for me to support those around me.
It was time for me to share my struggles in a positive light.

Death and loss are never easy, there is no right or wrong way to handle it.
But I wasn't myself for a long time.
I was absent in conversations.
I negated to care about my health.
I missed opportunities to add value to others.
And I said things out of anger that weren't in my nature.

But honestly...that weird galaxy I felt like I was in....still looms.
It hangs over me every time I meet someone and they ask about my parents.
Or anytime I see an ad about cancer.
Or when I meet a new stroke patient.
Or when someone gets married and their dad walks them down the aisle.
That weird galaxy...it's pulling at me, trying to get me to go back.
But I REFUSE to be a victim to a difficult situation.

So instead, I made a choice 3 months ago to rally.
I started to dive into personal development.
I read a lot of blogs about unexpected death.
I started going home more because I know it's where I needed to be.
I let go of people who weren't healthy to hold on to.
I started to let myself envision what I wanted for my life.
And....I started to invest in the world that's been saving my soul-my coaching community.

It's not easy to wake up every single day and realize...that wasn't a bad dream.
This is my life.
Yes...I said those things. Did those things.
Forgot soo many things.

But I also have accepted:
These are the cards I have been dealt.
I intend to win the hand.
While at the same time, being open and honest to inspire others also struggling.


So this is from me to you....I'm here and piece by piece I'll regain myself one day.
My sincerest apologies to those who watched me live out of an angry heart.
My sincerest gratitude to all of you who didn't let me float away.

Love Gina Marie