What Losing My World Taught Me About Depression and Anxiety

"Depression and anxiety are so much more than a response to life happening."

 Throughout my life, I have been trained to act a certain way, to behave according to specific religious and morale values. Throughout my life, I've overcome multiple adversities and my brain has taught me to block out a significant amount of time with horrible memories. Throughout life, I have been trained on how to handle what is physically wrong with my patients from amputees to burn victims.

Because of my training, I know how to act, I know what caliber of a person I should be and can be. Because of my adversities, I know what it's like to go without basic needs at times, to know what it's like to question where we will be staying after being evicted and I know what it's like to fear being loved because inside those awful years of abuse are still lurking.

Because of my professional training, I know what to do if a patient codes and stops breathing, I know the code of conduct if a patient completely becomes unresponsive and I know what to do if a patient is being neglected. Most of what I know has become second nature, I know how to motivate others, how to fix situations and how to block out anything I do not want to remember. Throughout my life, I've done everything I can to be a light, to be the person I want to see more of in the world and to lend as many helping hands as my world allows me to.

Thus, I've established a rapport with my patients, they know they can rely on me and trust me. Those who know me on a personal level know they can come to me with problems, they are able to trust me and know that my actions are always of a genuine, kind hearted nature.

Then, one day, I got a wake-up call. My grandfather who had a massive stroke, was not going to make that full recovery the doctors thought he would. Instead of having the three months together for him to recover, I made the most unexpected drive of my life rushing home to be by my family's side as he passed away. Looking back, I don't think I handled his loss in the best manner. I focused a lot on my personal pain... shut the world out from anger. Slowly started to change without even realizing that it was happening.

Then, a few weeks later, I got a second wake-up call. This time the police. I had been sick all day. Awful sick. It got worse as the day went on. As soon as I laid down to nap, the phone rang. The officer explained to me my father was dead, someone needed to come over and identify him because he was gone. I screamed. I swore. I denied his words. But he knew me. He knew my family. He was just trying to do the right thing because my father deserved peace. It was in that moment that I realized I had a connection with my father far greater than I ever understood. So I made another hurried drive home, calling my family along the way explaining the awful news to them...I made it home that night and  realized this wasn't a nightmare. This was life.

It wasn't long before my third and final wake-up call, the passing of a person who turned from being a friend to my rock. As I watched her battle cancer over the years, I never in a million years thought this would be the outcome. Throughout our friendship, she taught me more life lessons than anyone I know. It wasn't until I met her, watched her battle while still giving her all to her family and friends, that I realized what a blessing each moment of life is.

There is no sugar coating necessary. My anxiety, my depression, it was raging fiercer than ever and that fake smile I put on daily was eating me alive. I was completely lost for several months. I did things. Said things. Yelled...a lot at God and honestly stopped going to church because it was too painful to go alone. I never thought this was possible. I had done everything right I thought up until that point. I lived my life by the book. I attended church every week. I made trips home as often as I thought possible. I give 110% to every single job I had ever taken.

All of my training both professional and personal did nothing for me to minimize the problems and reactions I was having. Anytime someone came to me with a problem, I could give them the best advice and help them find the right solution. I'm an expert at working hard at life, but I was only ever focusing on what was expected. After enduring these few months with my family, I began to realize how important mindset and mental health truly are to successfully holding it together in the darkest of times. It became increasingly obvious that this mental health battle was underway and I hadn't even suited up. Portraying strength for others when you are broken is not an easy task. My experiences lead me to learning the importance of establishing a positive mindset to cultivate true happiness and safely handle my issues.

Of course I was skeptical about reading personal development, sharing openly on social media about my family life and importantly respecting those who are no longer with us. I had been taught that praying and trusting in God made all things possible. That living by the book enables success. That being a good person is the foundation to happiness. But my approach to life wasn't enough. You cannot quickly problem solve death, especially when it is unexpected or tragic.

By exclusively focusing on my anger and everything I no longer had, I missed opportunities of growth, development and relationship building with those who still surrounded and supported me. I had failed as a friend, daughter and person. Depression and anxiety are so much more than a response to life happening. It's the reality that you are human, that you bleed just like everyone else but also that you care whole heartedly about everything and everyone around you.

Learning how to recover from tragedy is essential to successfully handling mental illness because there is no quick fix. It's easy to get upset when we spill our coffee, it's easy to shout at the person who cuts us off and it's easy to blame God for our pain when "he took them away." I've learned that when you possess more negative thoughts and emotions than positive ones, you are more likely to respond to life in a negative manner. Too many of us underestimate mental illness, we feel like talking about our struggles is taboo, not justified. We think we should "just get over it." "Get it together." We underestimate the importance of mental health. We focus on the physical but forget our mind and our hearts need strength too. There is no absolute in this.

Mental health is not an all or nothing, one word summed up phrase. It's something we have to tend on a daily basis. Establish positive affirmations and visualize our dream lives in order to properly focus our attention. This can be established by focusing our attentions on the areas of our life that bring light. The areas that brought happiness before the loss and realize that it's going to take time, trial and error to overcome the times in our lives that break us to the core. These moments are true opportunities for us to establish ourselves in this world.

Understand that we are not in control at all times like we would like. However, we are in control of our mindset and the way we react to situations. At first are hearts are broken, we say and do things out of character because we are lost and just need guidance. That's okay. But denying we need help, pretending we don't hurt just like everyone else only hinders are ability to heal in a healthy manner. Realize you matter. Your anxiety and depression do not make you any less of a person. Mental health is not a destination, it's a process. Focus on how you drive, not where you are going and you will enjoy the journey.