It's one of those things that for the longest time I could not grasp how to accept and handle.
I'm no stranger to loss. Mine started young. I learned what internal pain was well before adolescence struck.....so why was this so hard? Why could I not get my life together? What is my deal? <--- That's literally what I kept telling myself. I questioned why I was a mess, why I couldn't function, why I couldn't just deal while still living my life.
NEWS FLASH SELF---> Your world just got ROCKED and you cannot just function like nothing happened.
Some people will tell you it's your outlook, just be positive, keep moving forward it's fine. But this isn't a feel good post, This isn't to tell you that you will just get over it because REALITY you don't "get over it" and anyone that tells you to get over a massive loss can peace out gracefully. Because when your entire world is stripped from you, you don't get over it.
I'm not the biggest fan of sharing so this is going to be hard but someone out there needs to hear this, someone needs to read this, someone else has similar scars like I do and if I have learned anything it's that those scars have a story. So here's a little bit about mine.
I'm 28.
I have a past, a present and a future. The latter of the two would not have been possible without God.
I am a free spirit, I live a life of a gypsy and am unconventional.
I have a fantastic family and group of friends who are holding me together currently.
I have experienced more in my 28 years than most know because I fear sharing it.
I have a passion for fitness that saved my life.
I have always wanted to make my existence matter because I never felt like I did.
So what's the deal? What's my secret? Why do I always seem motivated? Because my world wasn't paved with success, ease or opportunity.
My childhood wasn't full of playgrounds, dance lessons and cartoons. My childhood happened, but my brain couldn't tell you that. Why? Because I suffer from long term memory loss from extensive physical and emotional abuse from my biological mother. The only memory I have is being thrown across a room, my head hitting a coffee table and I was out. The only other memory I have is when I was 12, I was in my grandparents driveway and my biological mother had just dropped us off from her weekend visitation. She never came back.
In that moment, in the months after, the therapy sessions, the questions and tears cried, I had no idea but God gave me the opportunity to live. The route I was going I would not have survived. Between the abuse, unstable financial situations leading us to being evicted and constantly moving, the poor nutrition and lack of parental support would have lead me down a dangerous most likely deadly path. All while my father who shared custody of us had no idea. Why? Because I lied, and I was good at it. I made up stories about how I would fall, or trip, or have an accident climbing a tree when teachers would questions the bruises. My family had no idea because I didn't want to believe my mom would do something of that nature.
It's one of those things that honestly most don't even know...makes me sick to even publicly share but it's a huge part of my journey coming up. It's not because I'm sad, or because I miss a fictitious person. I pretended for a long time I came from this wonderful world because I didn't want people to know I was different. I attended therapy for a while after everything but what my family and I learned is that I don't handle things in a "normal" pattern. I am stoic, I bottle things up, I internally blame myself and cause a battle that most can't imagine. I mentally beat myself up numerous times trying to excel in school, trying to excel in sports, because I thought maybe if I was good enough my mother would come back.
This carried on into my adult life. Perfection was a goal of mine. Maybe, just maybe if I was perfect, thin enough, smart enough, good enough that I would be worthy of living. That maybe I would be worthy of someone's time so I didn't always have to be alone. When you are abandoned it changes you in a way that you feel like you lack worth, value, like the world would just be better off if you didn't exist.
This has carried on my entire life. Almost a year and a half ago I was ready to give up. Life was heavy. My burdens were suffocating me. My heart was empty and my soul was darkening. No one knew this. I hid. I lied. I made everyone think that I was okay. But here's the deal. Life really gave it to me last year. I learned what hard was. I learned what empty felt like. I learned what it was like to really feel alone.
In a short period of time, I lost my world. It all started while I was at my national coach training called Summit. My family informed me my grandpa was in the hospital but it's was okay, not an emergency, to stay in Nashville. I did. Then on that Sunday, we were driving and it went from being nothing to critical. My grandfather had a massive stroke and he was unresponsive. My heart was ripping...here I sat in a car with my friends on our way back to Gulfport losing my mind, fearing the worst. I immediately got in my car once we reached Gulfport and drove right back to Pittsburgh.... that was my last few days with my grandfather. He fought but it was too much of a battle and he deserved to rest.
Fast forward just a few short weeks....I was sitting on my couch. Feeling overwhelmingly ill, my head just hit the pillow and my phone rang. It was the police. My father had died. No rhyme, no reason, no explanation. His heart failed. That was it. Gone just like that. I didn't get a good-bye, didn't get to tell him anything. Just left feeling completely shaken to the core. My faith fading my heart dark. Here was my family still grieving, still trying to deal with one loss and then we were standing in the same place, in front of another casket, pained with emotions and feelings words cannot touch.
Then in that moment....I realized that normal was gone. Life as I knew it was fading. My existence and worth along with it. It took a conversation with my best friend Adrienne to keep going. It took our late night chats when I stayed at her house to return to work. Faking it. Dealing by default not by choice. We had one last conversation, one that I had no one idea would be our last, she shared with me how this "coaching thing" was my destiny that I was meant to do this. I was meant to make a difference. To inspire others to not give up...Adrienne passed away from metastatic breast cancer just a couple weeks later after an intense battle that has not left my head. She's the first thing I think of every single day, her family constantly on my mind, her face forever ingrained in my head.Yes. My entire world was taken in a short period of time and I was left to ask now what?
^^^^I thought exactly that. I will never be the same nor should I be. This is real, dark, intense, this is my life and that reality will never change. The only thing I can do is live in their honor. To live according to their missions, their desires, their support and encouragement. Last year nearly took me with it, but God allowed me to survive for a reason...so here I sit piecing together my pain and my passion to conquer this year in honor of my world. In honor of my angels, in honor of all those who fight because that's what I was intended to do.
Life is going to happen, it's going to hit you, it's going to be rough, sometimes unbearable but if you learn anything from me it's this NEVER GIVE UP...no matter how bad, painful, dark or sickening. NEVER GIVE UP. There is a life after the aftermath, it will be different, it will continue to shake you but you will continue to be here, build, grow, learn and thrive. It will not always feel like you are just surviving. You have the ability to change any situation you experience by your actions after. My battle started young and continues on to this day. My life could have gone a very different way but here I sit successful, conquering each day.
Is it easy? Nope. Is it worth it? Absolutely. That is why you will find me doing EVERYTHING in my power this year and from every year forward to make a difference in this world. To be someone's light, to alleviate someones burden so they can stand and move forward. My road began rough and continues to have bumps along the way but I am here and my job is to inspire you to thrive. The road to 39 starts today and it's just one small step in the right direction to living a life with purpose defined by my passion to assist you in living a more fulfilled life. It's time that we stop accepting what happens in life and start defining it.
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